San Antonio

San Antonio was all right. The convention went well, except that I lost my tapes, and those are sort of vital for my coverage. Luckily, they showed up.

I had my first taste of Sam Hagar’s tequila there, Cabo Wabo. He does make a nice tequila.

No pithy observations today. Nothing new to report. Don’t forget to set your clocks back. Ciao.

Subway Ettiquette

A few brief notes for subway riders in the Washington, D.C. metro area:

  • You instantly brand yourself as a tourist if you run after the metro train yelling “Hold the door!” Holding a subway train door is not unlike trying to teach a pig to sing, except that a pig is not likely to crush your body in two and drag you in an unfortunate position down a cement tunnel. You cannot “hold the door,” folks, and that is why I am presently without a decent umbrella.
  • On a related note: When the woman says “please, stand clear of the doors,” dude, stand clear of the friggin’ doors. Do not try to beat them. Another train will be here soon. No job in the world is worth your life.
  • By the way, you look really silly running to catch the train.
  • Gentlemen, there is nothing noble about leaving that seat open for a woman, not if you’re blocking the doors in the process. If you like, you may allow the seat to remain open for the first few seconds of the trip to the next station. But past that, you’re a damned fire hazard. Sit down.
  • Get on the train as quickly as you can, please, and perhaps a little quicker. And, for Christ’s sake, don’t get on and stand there by the door. There is a whole wide world going on behind you, and right now, some folks who live in that world would like to board the train.
  • If you’re standing by the doors, you are obligated to get off the train to let people off. And for those of you waiting for the train, if I get off the train and stand in front of you, this is what I’m doing. I’m not leaving, and damn it, I’m not giving you my spot on a crowded train.
  • Speaking of waiting for the train: Let everyone get off the train before you attempt to board. Courtesy and the mechanics of human traffic flow make this the most generally accepted social standard.
  • Escalators: Stand to the right. Walk to the left. Say it with me…
  • Even those of us who have ridden Metro for years get blue-lined at Metro Center. All you can do is try not to feel too silly, get off at Arlington Cemetery (which is where you probably realized your mistake…hey, what the Hell am I doing OUTSIDE?), and to try not to feel too silly taking the escalators down and to the other side.

Adventure in the City

So I was walking back to the office from lunch, and this dude with a trumpet was absolutely ruining “On Broadway.” I think he was drunk. And then these two guys sneezed and made hocker noises at exactly the same time.

Grand adventure in the big city.

Hippies!

I’ve got hippies on the brain today as I look forward to spring.

I’m trying to finger out if I wanna show up at my hometown for May 4.

I haven’t done it since the 20th. But boy, it’s a pilgramage I can’t decide if I want to make. But, I might. Might not.

Anyway, feeling peace-and-lovey, yada yada. Must be the advent of spring. Found a few good sites: Alan Canfora, one of the 13 wounded at Kent, has a site about May 4. Also, bumped into this site about Woodstock.

Meanwhile, I’m getting geared up for San Antonio. Wish me luck, my advance request didn’t friggin’ come through! ARGH!

A Blog Is Born

So today I decided to take that “Daily BJP” bullshit and turn it into a “‘Blog.”

A “‘Blog” is a really cool thing, it’s like, short for “Weblog,” and all that shit. And so I did it, I put up a “‘Blog,” where you can say insignifcant stuff and have it add to the content of your Web site. It’s really great. Wait, like this:

Ever notice how the worst itch you can possibly have is the itch on the top of your feet?

Tomorrow, I’ll be discussing my own farts.

Thank you. By the way, did everyone catch “Saturday Night Live” last night? That dude does a MEAN Arnold.

Witch-Burning Receives Funding

By Alan Smithee III
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON (ABP)—New legislation from the Bush end of Pennsylvania Avenue hopes to bring back a time-honored practice in the United States—witch burning. New legislation on the table from the White House would allocate federal funds for witch burning.

“I’m not crazy about those Witchaans,” said Bush in a press conference introducing his bill, which he hopes to sell fast and hard in Congress. “Those Witchaans and those Dolomites. They’re probably all a bunch of Lebanese. It’s as un-American as those damned—you know, what do you call them? Flag-burners? I think all of those damned Witchaans should roast up like a ear of corn on Sunday.”

Bush became more excited, picked up his microphone, and began speaking into the wrong end of it.

“And another thing,” he said. “All of you God-damned commies in Delaware, I know where you live, you rat bastards. I’m gonna come and smoke each one of you, one by one, all by myself if I have to.”

But Bush’s bill was already causing a stir on Capitol Hill before it could even be delivered. Sen. Joe Lieberman delivered the following, one-sentence statement through his press office: “Sweet merciful crap, has the president lost his mind?”

Even conservative voices in Congress were questioning Bush’s new initiative.

“Um—while my constituency certainly does not generally agree with the Earth-based religions, we are going to have to consider the civil liberties issues in this bill as we consider it,” said House majority leader Dick Armey, who is well aware that his name is pretty darned funny, thank you. “I mean, it’s not exactly legal to go around burning citizens of your country. Hell, it’s not even very good politics.”

“Civil liberties my ass!” Bush retorted. “Those Witchaans are the reason this country’s going to Hell in a hard biscuit. Did you know that they don’t even believe that God implanted a seed in Mary’s womb, allowing her to give birth to the savior of humanity? How the Hell is there anyone in the world who doesn’t believe that in this day and age?” Silver Ravenwolf, noted author of books such as “To Ride a Silver Broomstick,” “To Stir A Magic Cauldron,” “To Light a Sacred Flame,” and “To Write Another Book,” expressed shock and dismay at the president’s proposal.

“I’m shocked and dismayed at the president’s proposal,” she said.

Ravenwolf said that she didn’t claim to speak for all witches in the United States, but that she was pretty sure she knew how most of them would feel on the issue of being burned at the stake. “Yep, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like it,” she said.

A group of protesters claiming to be witches stood outside the White House this afternoon, most of whom were skipping Algebra class from a local high school to be there. They banged on drums, passed around a suspicious-smelling cigarette, and took brief breaks to discuss the latest episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

“Yeah, man, we’re going to totally turn the president into a toad,” said one of the protesters, who would only identify himself as “Thor.” “He’s going to be sorry he messed with us witches, man, because we’re like, totally badasses.”

Another, who said her name was Mandi “with an ‘I,'” chipped in: “Yeah, man, we’re gonna put a hex on that president dude. I did this love spell once and it totally worked, my boyfriend, he like totally fell for it. If Georgie-porgie tries to mess with us witches, man, we’re gonna get him, and we’re gonna get him good.” She followed her comments with what is commonly known in some circles as “the sign of the Devil.”

The legislation is due to be debated in both House and Senate next week. Following debate, passage of committees, sub-committees, additions to the bill, and voting on the bill, says one Washington insider, there is “no chance in bloody hell that this bill will ever see the light of day; a bill renaming Kansas after my dog has a better chance of passing than does this bill; a bill declaring my penis a federal emergency and providing relief funding has a better chance at passing than does this incredible piece of crap that the Bush administration is attempting to foist upon us.”

Sen. Kennedy had no further comment.