By Alan Smithee III
WASHINGTON (ABP)—New legislation from the Bush end of Pennsylvania Avenue hopes to bring back a time-honored practice in the United States—witch burning. New legislation on the table from the White House would allocate federal funds for witch burning.
“I’m not crazy about those Witchaans,” said Bush in a press conference introducing his bill, which he hopes to sell fast and hard in Congress. “Those Witchaans and those Dolomites. They’re probably all a bunch of Lebanese. It’s as un-American as those damned—you know, what do you call them? Flag-burners? I think all of those damned Witchaans should roast up like a ear of corn on Sunday.”
Bush became more excited, picked up his microphone, and began speaking into the wrong end of it.
“And another thing,” he said. “All of you God-damned commies in Delaware, I know where you live, you rat bastards. I’m gonna come and smoke each one of you, one by one, all by myself if I have to.”
But Bush’s bill was already causing a stir on Capitol Hill before it could even be delivered. Sen. Joe Lieberman delivered the following, one-sentence statement through his press office: “Sweet merciful crap, has the president lost his mind?”
Even conservative voices in Congress were questioning Bush’s new initiative.
“Um—while my constituency certainly does not generally agree with the Earth-based religions, we are going to have to consider the civil liberties issues in this bill as we consider it,” said House majority leader Dick Armey, who is well aware that his name is pretty darned funny, thank you. “I mean, it’s not exactly legal to go around burning citizens of your country. Hell, it’s not even very good politics.”
“Civil liberties my ass!” Bush retorted. “Those Witchaans are the reason this country’s going to Hell in a hard biscuit. Did you know that they don’t even believe that God implanted a seed in Mary’s womb, allowing her to give birth to the savior of humanity? How the Hell is there anyone in the world who doesn’t believe that in this day and age?” Silver Ravenwolf, noted author of books such as “To Ride a Silver Broomstick,” “To Stir A Magic Cauldron,” “To Light a Sacred Flame,” and “To Write Another Book,” expressed shock and dismay at the president’s proposal.
“I’m shocked and dismayed at the president’s proposal,” she said.
Ravenwolf said that she didn’t claim to speak for all witches in the United States, but that she was pretty sure she knew how most of them would feel on the issue of being burned at the stake. “Yep, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like it,” she said.
A group of protesters claiming to be witches stood outside the White House this afternoon, most of whom were skipping Algebra class from a local high school to be there. They banged on drums, passed around a suspicious-smelling cigarette, and took brief breaks to discuss the latest episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“Yeah, man, we’re going to totally turn the president into a toad,” said one of the protesters, who would only identify himself as “Thor.” “He’s going to be sorry he messed with us witches, man, because we’re like, totally badasses.”
Another, who said her name was Mandi “with an ‘I,'” chipped in: “Yeah, man, we’re gonna put a hex on that president dude. I did this love spell once and it totally worked, my boyfriend, he like totally fell for it. If Georgie-porgie tries to mess with us witches, man, we’re gonna get him, and we’re gonna get him good.” She followed her comments with what is commonly known in some circles as “the sign of the Devil.”
The legislation is due to be debated in both House and Senate next week. Following debate, passage of committees, sub-committees, additions to the bill, and voting on the bill, says one Washington insider, there is “no chance in bloody hell that this bill will ever see the light of day; a bill renaming Kansas after my dog has a better chance of passing than does this bill; a bill declaring my penis a federal emergency and providing relief funding has a better chance at passing than does this incredible piece of crap that the Bush administration is attempting to foist upon us.”
Sen. Kennedy had no further comment.