One has to be enterprising for entertainment in Virginia Beach, Va., where I visted Mama Bonk in mid-December for the Mass of our Lord Jesus Christ. Sometimes, when you’re a divorce family, you have to improvise on holidays and pretend that it’s The Day at mid-month. So one of our sightseeing stops took us to a place I’d not heard of before called “Ollies Bargain Outlet.” It is exactly what it sounds like, Big Lots on steroids. But it is there that I found a book that everyone must own.

I have surfed at Lifehacker, but not intensely enough. The book I found, Lifehacker: 88 Tech Tricks to Turbocharge Your Day is based on the site, and having these tips in print in front of you nose instead of up on the backlit screen is utterly useful; it allows you to mark the very useful tips and to go back to study them over and over again before implementation. There are tips on cleaning up your compyooter, on using shortcuts, on working from the command line, on directory structure; and most of these hacks can be useful to someone without a whole lot of compyooter savvy. Mama Bonk is reasonably savvy but does not do this sort of thing for a living, as does her son; but she flipped through the book and returned to Ollies the next day to purchase a copy. After all, at $6.99 in the cutting bin, it is, indeed, a bargain.

Hell, it’s actually worth at least a few hundred to me already. I believe it has helped me to fix a vexing problem with my elderly beige box. For a long time, I have had trouble with Windows Explorer freezing up on me; just freezing me out if I left it open for a time. I’ve known for some time that I was pushing it on disk space (this drive only has 40G; I have an external that extends that nicely, but 40G seemed like a lot in 2001 but can be carried around in your pocket these days), but I had no reasonable way to efficiently clean that up. Enter Hack 86: Free up Hard Drive Space on page 270. It suggest a program called “WinDirStat,” which offers an instantly understandable analysis of a hard drive and shows you specifically what folders in your tree are the real drive space hogs. Thanks to this program, I have been able to free up 21 percent of my hard drive so far (by deleting about six files that were huge), and, as a result, my Windows Explorer seems to have stopped freezing (knock wood).

Ollies. Good stuff cheap.

Added
“Barnaby, Hardly Working,” Yo La Tengo, Fakebook
“Jackass,” The Vandals, Look At What I Almost Stepped In
“Tetris,” Califfo De Luxe, Un anno in un giorno
“America Loves The Little Children (And So Does God),” The 241ers, Murderers
“I Found Sunshine,” Pama International, Float Like A Butterfly
“Public Access Girls,” Truly, Love and Rebellion
“Toka Toka,” Black Dice, Load Blown
“Punch Me Harder,” Superchunk, No Pocky For Kitty
“Magic Spells,” Crystal Castles, Crystal Castles
“Black River Song,” Angels of Light, We Are Him
“Republic Of Rough And Ready,” Hella, Hold Your Horse Is
“Rotten Banana Legs,” Skankin’ Pickle, Sing Along With Skankin’ Pickle

I have just gotten back from a lovely Christmas in Rochester, N.Y. That is one hell of a drive, and the rain and snow and wind make it all the more pleasant. I was of course in a happy place in both directions, thanks to The History of Howard Stern, Act II, playing all this week on the Sirius/XM. I love this shit, though I wish they’d just play the damned tapes already. But the History specials are awesome. It fills in a lot for me since this Cleveland boy could only be a listener from 1992.

Music is always a big part of the holidays at my Dad’s. I am entirely too predictible a gift giver, always handing over the telling-shaped box that makes them sarcastically say “Oh, I wonder what this is?” With Dad it’s always Zappa, and this year was no exception as he received a CD of Broadway the Hard Way. This, Zappa’s most blatantly political album, was meant to mark Papa Bonk’s debut this year on the Ketchup blog and also our recognition of the holiday of Zappadan. I am pleased with the purchase but displeased as with many Zappa CDs that the order was meddled with when it went digital. Track order on the vinyl was much different and made more sense. I will never understand why Zappa felt the need to meddle with his stuff so horribly.

Added:
“Spare Me A Little,” Johnny Rivers, New Lovers and Old Friends
“A Jacknife to a Swan,” Mighty Mighty Bosstones, A Jacknife to a Swan

I added some new shit to the Radio B.O.N.K.

“Bag of Hammers,” Thao, We Brave Bee Stings and All
“La-Da-Da,” Basia Bulat, Oh, My Darling
“It Doesn’t Matter,” Blue Meanies, Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
“Everybody Daylight,” Brightblack Morning Light, Brightblack Morning Light
“A Baby For Pree,” Neutral Milk Hotel, On Avery Island
“Frozen Gtr,” Thurston Moore, Trees Outside the Academy

Here.

FOR SOME REASON, the place to find decent Secret Santa swag in the Washington, D.C. Metro area is the CVS.

As you might know, there is a tradition in American offices known as the “Secret Santa,” which, despite the best efforts of the Right-Wing Douchebags responsible for the War on Christmas (that’s right, uh-huh, I said it), just loses its luster if it is called the “Holiday Swap” or some other such nonsense. I am not aware of when Santa became Jesus. I have for some time understood that he is actually meant to introduce children to the notion of a god-person in the sky, a bait-and-swap of exestential proportions, methinks. But, I digress.

I was just recently mentally streaming Steely Dan’s Aja,, so when I saw the thing sitting there in the pathetic little cutting bin next to the M&Ms and the fake reindeer flashing antlers hat thing with the big orange “$9.99″ tag on it, I did snap it up. I don’t own it, and it is pathetic to see such a fine work of art sitting in a flea market.

This is one of a few albums I’ve considered lately of which I have worn out a copy once in my life, another being Stevie Wonder’s Innervisions, and another being Marvin Gaye’s What’ Goin’ On?. These are amazing collections of music; I wish anyone who trips over here a similar momentary obsession.

Yes, I added “Black Cow.” Also added a new clip from The Show, which is partially titled “Jingle Belch.” Had to. If you saw me on the Metro train today doubling over from laughter, yeah. That’s what I was hearing.

For my first official Zappadan entry, I must confess that Frank Zappa is directly responsible for the creation of the Ketchup Is A Vegetable blog.

Zappa fans will know exactly to what I refer. Their minds will automatically jump to Zappa’s throwaway line on “When the Lie’s So Big” on Broadway the Hard Way. It is that line, when Frank throws out the reference to the now infamous Stockman scheme, that was stuck in my head and that forced me to the registrar’s Web site to see if “ketchupisavegetable.com”—later abbreviated to kiav.net—was available. Many of our categories are as well inspired by Frank, as is at least half of everything I do.

Zappa is this much to many people, I am sure. It is why they started Zappadan, which I now understand to be a blogswarm that starts on the date of Zappa’s death and ends on the date of his birth. I hope this growing community will accept KIAV as a very enthusiastic participant. A bit about me and Frank Zappa: I am a second-generation freak.

Papa Bonk used to play Freak Out when I was like three years old. It scared the hell out of me. When you’re that age, there is nothing scarier than “Who Are The Brain Police.” Nothing. And I grew up as a child staring for hours at those album covers. Who are these people with all the hair? Why are they wearing bandanas? And why in shit are they wearing dresses?

Frank Zappa is at the top of my short list of heroes. He was, for many reasons, one of the greatest Americans of the 20th century, and that is not merely hyperbole. It is a fact. He was a prolific composer. He was funny, smart, and compelling. He was an absurdist genius. He was a unique and gifted guitarist. He had the best facial hair in the universe. He was the Head Freak. And, while I know that Frank Zappa considered himself a conservative of sorts (a “practical conservative”), he did rail against the goose-stepping ways of the Ray-gunner and the pompous Jesus-heads who supported him. Zappa certainly did share the vision of America that I have and that I think a lot of other liberal folks have. He said this of his children in his testimony at the PMRC hearings:

I want them to grow up in a country where they can think what they want to think, be what they want to be, and not what somebody’s wife or somebody in Government makes them be.

I don’t know if that’s conservatism or liberalism necessarily. But it is American.

Zappa saw it coming long before anyone else, saw the neo-cons marching up the square. I’ve referred to it at KIAV before, his jaw-dropping appearance on Crossfire. Zappa refers to our burgeoning fascist theocracy at at about 10:10. (John Lofton resorts to Reductio ad Hitlerum at 15:56. Update: As he has now just done again in the KIAV comments box. Thanks, John!)

Freak Out is an anthemic wonder, both spoof and tribute to Frank’s beloved doo-wop, both strong political statement and da-da masterpiece. For me, especially at about age 21, Freak Out was one of the most inspiring statements I’d ever experienced. It got me through.

History will be kind to Frank Zappa; it will eventually accord him the greatness he was. Because I do not know how to otherwise end this entry, I will end it with my very favorite Zappa quote of all time.

The most important thing in art is the frame. You have to put a “box” around it because otherwise, what is that shit on the wall?

P.S. Here are the kids who are down with the Zappadan, according to The Aristocrats.

After the Bridge | American Street, | The Aristocrats | A Modified Dog | Blue Gal | Billdungblog | BLCKDRGD | Chaos Channel | ChimpsterNation | CarlsPicks | Crooks & Liars | Danny Dries | darkblack | Dave Knows: Portland | duhbris | Give Peace a Chance Please! | Guys From Area 51 | heydave | iVoryTowerz | Ketchup is a Vegetable | Loud Mouth Soup | Mad Dog Media | Mock, Paper, Scissors | Perezoso | skippy the bush kangaroo | STEVENHARTSITE | Suburban Guerrilla | The Brain Police | The Far Left Side | The Jade Gate | Social Seppuku | Tiny Little Circles | today’s sermonette | Mark Twyman | Zencomix

There were two things I said over the Thanksgiving that made Papa Bonk and Uncle Hat look at me like I was crazy, or, more likely, that I’d just had too much Glüwein. First, we were talking about Brit bands who spent an album copying American country music. Papa mentioned the Stones. I mentioned the Kinks, and was looked at cross-eyed.

Sigh. The album name was on the tip of my tongue, Papa, but, indeed, “Muswell Hillbillies” does exist.

The second item I mentioned that got a blank stare was this, one of my very favorite television moments of all time and one of my very favorite political slogans. That’s right, Kanye. He doesn’t.

Incredibly, PB had never seen this. Probably because he’s, um, more of a reader.

Added
“Still Wishing to Course,” Camper Van Beethoven, Camper Van Beethoven
“Relief,” Cold War Kids, Loyalty to Loyalty
“Charlemagne’s Big Thaw,” Colossal Yes, Charlemagne’s Big Thaw
“Johnny Sunshine,” Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville
“Trouble Every Day,” Frank Zappa, Freak Out
“I Forgot to be Your Lover,” William Bell, The Best of William Bell
“Scenic World,” Beirut, Gulag Orkestar
“Brandenburg,” Beirut, Gulag Orkestar
“The Plan,” Built to Spill
“I’m Gonna Crawl,” Jenna Mammina, Under the Influence
“Be OK,” Ingrid Michaelson, Be OK
“The Plan,” Built to Spill, Keep It Like A Secret
“Bucky Done Gun,” M.I.A., Arular
“Coming Out As A Jew,” Marc Maron, Tickets Still Available
“I Like,” Men Without Hats, My Hats Collection

Here’s to a little whacko ska outfit I bumped into on the eMusic, first, for calling themselves “The B Sharps,” and, second, for the cover, which is fuckin’ funny.

Added
“The Man Upstairs,” Pain, On Air
“Light From Your Lighthouse,” The Fireman, Electric Arguments
“Coffee’s Cold,” Abigail Washburn, Song of the Traveling Daughter
“Holloway Jail,” The Kinks, Muswell Hillbillies