Dear Dr./Gov. Dean,

I am a proud Democrat but I cannot help but laugh nonstop regarding your use of a certain colloquialism on “Hardball” last evening. I wanted to help you with the following advice.

First off, I imagine that Mrs./Dr. Dean is getting pretty darned tired of you grabbing her by the elbow and saying, hey, baby, let’s you and me go and exercise our executive privilege, and then making that wink-wink noise. No, Doc, that’s not what the kids are calling it these days. So stop it. Just stop it.

Further bits of advice for you, with all due respect:

• You probably should not refer to President Bush’s plan to overhaul Social Security with private investment accounts as the “horizontal rumba.”
• Please stop referring to the 2000 presidential primary as a “Mongolian clusterfuck.” While this phrase is a completely accurate characterization of that primary, it is entirely inappropriate to say it in front of cameras.
• Calling the Bush administration’s domestic policy a “Cleveland steamer” is perfectly acceptable, anytime, anywhere.
• Under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, should you refer to the Title IX Education Amendments of 1972 as “reverse cowgirl.”

I hope you have found this information helpful.