Category Archives: Funny Ha-Ha

Count von Count

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There’s always a dummy running around promising this thing is going to be a crushing landslide for our side. I have been that dummy. And yet, I’m still here on Nov. 4 staring at a result of Biden 227, Trump 213. I mean, they warned us, they kept warning us that we’d be waiting a while, but I wanted to be the bright light in the room. More than that, I wanted to put the good conclusion out into the universe. I mean, I’m not really a spiritual guy, but I’ve read Richard Bach.

Besides, what if Biden had shot out of the gate with a 290 last night? That would be a neat trick!

Anyway, I won’t apologize for being that guy.

Wait. CNN just called Wisconsin for Biden. 237.

Anyway. That’s the kind of day it is. A real nailbiter. We’re not going to take the Senate; I’m not sure about the House. My guy Joe Morelle is in good shape. Even without the Senate though, we’ll be in better shape with a Biden administration. At least the guy knows how the Senate works. And we’ll have Vice President Harris set up a cot there to be present to break ties.

All right. Time to put on some sweatpants and go to work

***

A Facebook friend shared a horribly spelled Starbucks order, so I shared this. I’ve always liked it and haven’t been able to do anything with it:

I have a whole bit on this, a guy with a name like “Aaron,” with the soft vowel and the soft consonant, and always having the deli guy call out for “Eric” or “Darin, ” and so he starts telling the deli guy his name is “Eddie.” But his co-workers who go to lunch with him think it’s funny, so they start calling him “Eddie” around the office. So one day, he gets into a lather about it and says come on guys. I’m only Eddie at the Deli. I’m Deli Eddie. So of course, the co-workers start calling him “Deli Eddie.” What none of these wisenheimers know is that there’s a local mob family called Deliedie. Hijinks ensue. ::Seinfeld theme plays::

Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren: I’m A Clone

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Rochester, NY — Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren confirmed today that she is a clone and has many ‘sister’ clones spread throughout North America and Europe, all part of an illegal human cloning experiment.

“Alongside my foster brother Felix and two of my fellow clones, Alison and Cosima, I discovered the origin of the clones: a scientific movement called Neolution,” said Warren at a well-attended press conference on Monday. “I eventually discovered that I was wanted by the police and by a secret religious group, the Proletheans, a faction of which carries out the clone assassinations because they believe us to be abominations.”

Warren said she initially ran for City Council in 2007 to avoid capture by the clearly sinister Neolutionists and Proletheans and to help her and her sister clones to give sense to her life and origin.

Warren, now known as “Number Four,” won the 2013 Democratic primary over incumbent mayor Thomas Richards 57 percent to 42 percent.

“There’s more,” added Warren before abruptly ending the press event. “Cylons have the ability to mimic human form. They look like us now.”

Warren would not confirm nor deny whether or not embattled judge Leticia Astacio was somehow involved.

Hey Now

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“I actually did an audition down here. I believe it was in the rink down here. They called me the night before for a commercial, and they said, do you know how to ice skate? And I said, uh yes–lying. And, I called my friend, and I said, you’ve got to teach me how to ice skate. And he said okay, meet me–and I said uh, no, tell me on the phone.

“Anyway, down here, I said I’m so embarrassed, and the guy got up on an a-frame ladder, and he said okay, this is an audition, there were 200 of us, and I said I’m going to be so embarrassed, and he said all right! This is your audition! AND SKATE!

“And 200 actors fell down.

“That’s true.”

(Jeffrey Tambor, on Late Night with Seth Meyers)