My girl, her housemate and I returned to her house Saturday night apprehensive. Said housemate has a big floppy mutt (previously pictured here, but he’s a lot bigger now) that she figures has some Great Dane in him, and, well, as they say in the South, bless his heart.
They were apprehensive because he tends to eat furniture. They walked in and were very happy to find that he had not eaten any furniture. Then they explored the rest of the house.
He had eaten a copy of the housemate’s dissertation and had laid a turd in the middle of the kitchen.
I wish I could say I had come up with something as witty on the spot as to lean down to the beast, pet him on the head, and to say, “Not so crazy about the dissertation, eh, buddy?” No, I just thought of that this morning. Damnit. Instead, all I could think to point out was how glad these two were that the dog hadn’t eaten any furniture. But. But. But. But.
But he SHIT in your KITCHEN! That’s like the worst thing a dog can do! I don’t think they quite grasped that. I think perhaps the neo-medieval code of “you don’t shit where you eat” is something that only rings genuinely true if you’re a fella. And I can’t tell you how this real-life representation of this metaphor tickled me.
Attention, practitioners of the American English language: Can we please stop using the word “over,” which most directly is meant to explain a specific spatial relationship, when you mean to say “more than,” which is meant to explain a specific relationship regarding amount?
No, goddamnit, Takeru Kobayashi did not eat “over” 40 hot dogs in 12 minutes to win the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest this year. He ate “more than” 40 hot dogs. When you say that Kobayashi ate “over” 40 hot dogs, I imagine 40 hot dogs on the floor and Kobayashi hovering over (you see?) them while eating a TV dinner.
“More than.” Say it with me. “Mooooooore thaaaaaaan.” Very good.
Because you’re on TV, dummy. I watched Network again last night. That is such an incredible movie. The folks who made it told the future, didn’t they? You have to keep slapping yourself on the back of the head to remind yourself that this movie was made WELL BEFORE television ever had anything like The Howard Biehl Show on the air. Don’t even get me started about the movie’s commentary about Saudi ownership of the U.S. of A.
Note to self: Please stop hearing “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now” on the radio and insisting that it is sung by a band called “TSOP.” That is incorrect. This song is performed by McFadden and Whitehead. “TSOP” was a song, the theme to “Soul Train,” in fact. Silly.
First off, I imagine that Mrs./Dr. Dean is getting pretty darned tired of you grabbing her by the elbow and saying, hey, baby, let’s you and me go and exercise our executive privilege, and then making that wink-wink noise. No, Doc, that’s not what the kids are calling it these days. So stop it. Just stop it.
Further bits of advice for you, with all due respect:
You probably should not refer to President Bush’s plan to overhaul Social Security with private investment accounts as the “horizontal rumba.”
Please stop referring to the 2000 presidential primary as a “Mongolian clusterfuck.” While this phrase is a completely accurate characterization of that primary, it is entirely inappropriate to say it in front of cameras.
Calling the Bush administration’s domestic policy a “Cleveland steamer” is perfectly acceptable, anytime, anywhere.
Under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, should you refer to the Title IX Education Amendments of 1972 as “reverse cowgirl.”