How Many Pollacks…

Operation removes lightbulb from anus Thu Jun 29, 7:34 AM ET

MULTAN, Pakistan (Reuters) – Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus.

Wednesday night, doctors brought Mohammad’s misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object.

“Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else,” Mohammad, a grey-beared man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern central city of Multan.

“We had to take it out intact,” said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. “Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation.”

Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn’t know the bulb was there.

“When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this,” Mohammad said.

“I don’t know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners.”

The doctor treating Mohammad said he’d never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon’s story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.

Ha-Ha Strange

Is it just me, or was there not one single funny performance from any single comic on the Last Comic Standing? Also: Is it just me, or is Anthony Clark a bit of a wet blanket? It’s a shame. The show was at one time so very, very good.

In uther TV news, I stayed upway into the night one evening this week to watch the entire last season of Six Feet Under. Jesus. That’s some good damned television right there. Narm narm narm.

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Brushed Away

I am doing my best these days to emulate the Great Leader, George W. “The Decider” Bush, whose most favorite thing to do on his Texas ranch is to “clear brush.” I’ve had several piles like these pulled out from this little yard. Last night was spent with a new pond skimmer, pulling goop from a pond I’m hoping to again resurrect. It gets me outside and keeps me from being arrested for urinating in public.

In other gnus: I’ve not mentioned the Grand Wazoo of the airwaves recently, but you can bet your toes I’ve been listening. Jessica is a bit bewildered I think by the obsession. Hey, she’s the one who picked a Stern fan. I dunno, tho. Next time I say, hey, guess what they did on the Stern show last week?…I dunno, she might be tiring of it. Hey now. But anyways, how about that shite? Howard with his tapes back! Howard now STREAMING on the Interweb? Man, it’s good to be King.

P.S. Yesterday’s ‘Pearls Before Swine’ just says it all:

BTW, if you’re an AAR listener but not a Premium subscriber, may I recommend subscribing even just for the month to listen to the June 20 Majority Report, with guest host Thom Hartmann. That was a fine broadcast, one that every American should hear. Hartmann is one of my favorites because he is steeped in presidential history and is very good at using it. Yesterday, he was in rare, rare form.

Okay goobye.

Last Television Producer Standing

I have just watched the last episode of Last Comic Standing, in which the final folks were picked. This episode made it clear how the choices were actually made.

The funniest comic was, by far, Gabriel Iglesias. He was selected and was voted the audience fav to boot. The second funniest was Nikki Payne, a chick with a severe lithp, who went for it in the most extreme of ways, from showing her black-braed boobies to wrapping herself up in duct tape, all in a minute. Nikki Payne, friends, is what you call “the real deal.” Her off-the-cuff responses to judges were not just hillarious, they were perfect.

Unfortunately, the show had already selected its ”challenged” comic. CP comic Josh Blue had been chosen previously. I believe the producers decided that the “comics-with-impediments” roster had been filled. What can I say. It’s television. So it has to make compromises to preserve its own artificiality. I have loved and hated television since I was 6. Before that, I only loved it. But I am well aware that television did not make the correct choice, if it was truly concerned with comedy. But it did provide me with a new person to adore.

Nikki Payne. I speak your name.

Shirley's Been Hijacked!

My home computer is called “Shirley.” She has recently picked up an insidious little thing that is apparently called a “homepage hijacker.” It’s awful. It resets her IE Internet Options settings so it goes to the website of some asshole company that purports to sell a spyware attacker. Since they hijacked my browser, I have only been able to research this here at the office, and I have found HiJack This!, which I hope will help.

People suck.

Update: HiJack This! didn’t do squat. The winner was Browser Hijack. After several hours of cussing and even of careful registry editing, this little utility cleaned it right up.

I Know To Trip Is Just To Fall

Every high school kid who ever listens to Led Zeppelin has written this phrase on a book cover at least once. It’s a fact.

Every day when I log into my computer at work, my computer plays the Beavis and Butthead theme, and it still makes me laugh my ass off. That’s a fact, too.

Also a fact: It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to clench up your butt and go “eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeehhhhhhhh!”