Shadow Boxing

There are so many things wrong with this that I don’t know where to begin.

Okay, fine; I’ll start here. They SHOULDN’T BE BOXING. Boxing is a sport that athletes train hard for and use their brains and their bodies for and that has a history and a methodology and a glory all its own. It’s like having a football game with singer-songwriters from the early to mid-70s. England Dan and John Ford Coley will be team captains. Uh, okay, I pick James Taylor. James? HELLO? Yeah, I heard you. Well get over here. Well, okay, then, I pick Carly Simon. She’ll kick his ass, and she can hide the ball in her teeth. Uh, okay, well, then, I pick Ace and Gary; I mean, Hall and Oates over there. Oh yeah? Fine, fine. If you get both of them, then I get Todd Rundgren and Janis Ian…

Second, why is Tonya Harding boxing Amy Fisher? Shouldn’t Tonya Harding be boxing Nancy Kerrigan? Shouldn’t Amy Fisher be boxing Mary Jo Buttafuco? And why the hell isn’t Mariah Carey boxing anybody?

This is, surely, a sign that each of these individuals has just given up. I suppose one can only fight so hard and against so much for self-respect before she reaches the conclusion that her deeds have been malicious enough and reviled enough that her only option is to profit through self-ridicule. I suppose that once your crime becomes you, all you really can do is to throw yourself in front of the camera, do whatever they want you to do and waddle off with a wheelbarrow full of cash. I’d say that I wish they’d both get paid to beat the living shit out of Darva Conger, but what she did wasn’t in the same league. It was stupider.

I’ll be watching, all right, but only because I love boxing. I want to see if Bonaduce has a decent hook. He’s boxing Barry Williams.

God Damn, I Love America!

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