Me, on the phone with a local restaurant this morning, inquiring about a corkage fee.

Me: Good morning. Do you have a corkage fee?
She: A what?
Me: A corkage fee. You know. When my party brings its own bottle of wine, and we give you money for permission to do so?
She: Oh. We don’t do that. Because we sell our own wine.
Me: Perhaps I’m not being clear. We would be giving you more money, and you would not have to sell us anything at all. It would add to the check, which would increase the tip, even. This is free money from us to you, all you have to do is to assist us in removing the cork.
She: No, we don’t do that.
Me: It’s legal in Pennsylvania. I looked it up.
She: Nope.
Me: Seriously. Name your price. It’s free money.
She: Sorry.