I told him to wish in one hand and shit in the other. Then I said

“So it’s better if you squat a bit while you’re shitting into your hand. Maybe sitting on the toilet while the seat is up might help but it is not comfortable. You could squat over the side of the bathtub maybe. I guess you’ll just have to improvise. Maybe outside? Find a nice playground or picnic area? I want shit under those nails, young man. Pronto.”

I don’t like this FB group very much anyway.