Felina. By Me. Part One.

What follows is my version of the final episode of “Breaking Bad.” It’s likely not a great predictor, and it is likely not nearly as good as Mr. Gilligan has done. Normal obligatory spoiler warning goes here: Read no further if you’re not caught up.

Here we go.


The camera pans through the desert, the usual establishment shots over the beautiful New Mexico desert. We pan to the backs of two gentlemen, and in the foreground is a rough looking fellow and his crew. His arms are crossed; his face is incredulous. One of the men we see from the back is dressed in all black, and he’s wearing a hat. The other guy is Todd. He’s dressed lighter.

Todd is conducting a business negotiation that seems impossible. The content therein is not important. What’s important is that the scene strikes the viewer as being rather familiar.

Discussion between goon and Todd breaks down. It falls to the fellow in the porkpie. The camera pans up the fellow’s front slowly.

It’s Jesse.

I’m not writing the dialogue here because it’s not relevant. So long as it winds around to Jesse saying the following:

“You know who I am. Say my name. Say my name. Bitch.”


“You’re god-damned right.”

Dramatic music punctuates the point.

Jesse is now Heisenberg.


Credits. Baw baw baaaaaaaaaw…baw.


Backstory: It’s 2,207 miles from New Hampshire to Albuquerque. That’s about a full day and change if you’re driving it straight.

If you don’t have to first steal a Volvo (or buy it on the down-low).

If you’re not trying to elude police.

If you’re not intent on purchasing firearms.

It’s still snowy in New Hampshire when Walt leaves. So he’s still there in like February or March. The latest there’s snow there might be in April.

When we first meet Mr. Lambert, it’s Walt’s birthday. The show Wiki says that’s Sept. 7.

I figure Walt’s on the road for at least six months. I mean first he has to lose the Barney Fifes he’s just called on himself. That might take a week on its own. Heck, maybe longer before he is even able to leave the township. Then he has to find a ride, and I’m thinking his preferred method of procurement would be a purchase under the table. Carjacking is not Walt’s bag I think, and he’s under enough scrutiny as is. I’m thinking a shifty car purchase could take a while, especially since he knows nobody in New Hampshire. Then there’s the fact that he has no idea where he is, and he sure isn’t rockin’ a smart phone these days I”m guessing.

So then he’s got to drive to New Mexico. Dodging a nationwide dragnet. While arranging to purchase a giant scary gun and bullets. I’m thinking he’s feeling like Ulysses by the time he wastes that moons over whatever the hell breakfast that was. Gosh it looked yummy.

Granted, when the waitress asks him how long a trip it is, he says it’s 30 hours if you only stop for gas. This doesn’t necessarily mean he made the drive in that time. Walt has been at this long enough to know that you only answer what you’re asked. Saul may have actually coached him on this, or he just does it instinctively. His answer does not have to reflect what actually occurred. Just because he said 30 hours doesn’t mean he did it in 30 hours.

So yeah. I think Walt’s on the road for at least six months.

And that’s plenty of time for what happens to Jesse.


Still backstory: In a word, Jesse goes native.

He’s obliterated by Andrea’s death. Just rotten. A shell. Nothing. Nowhere to be found. He doesn’t eat. Soon, Uncle Jack’s goons don’t even bother locking him up. They entertain the notion of killing him since he can’t cook. Todd holds them off. And he works very hard.

And we know how convincing Todd can be. He uses stick and he uses carrot, and also, sometimes, pliers. He puts his bizarrely blunted affect to work on the broken Jesse. And he manages to do what Walt never could have done in his wildest dreams even with his best efforts.

He obtains complete control of the Jesse brain. Todd no longer needs to utilize the cattle run and no longer needs to lock Jesse in the floor. They begin turning out meth, each batch purer than the last. And Jesse couldn’t be more excited to do it. I’m saying. Jesse goes native. There may even be a conversation with Uncle Jack where Jack pontificates about the inferiority of these or those folks, and Jesse’s like yeah, that’s really cool Uncle Jack. Starts calling him Uncle Jack, by the way. Starts really admiring those tattoos.

As we’ve seen, cooking is a rough but bonding experience. Todd becomes a dutiful and reliable lab assistant as was ostensibly his greatest ambition. Jesse, in charge and unfettered by Walt’s fussiness, becomes a chef. The two become close and find a certain synergy. They learn from one another, with Jesse especially interested in Todd’s sociopathic tendencies. They push one another to new levels of depravity. They fluff their chests about the compound.

Uncle Jack notices and is not pleased. There is a power struggle, probably about money. Uncle Jack does not prevail. He dies slowly.

EDIT: No, it’s not about money. It’s about Drew Sharp. One night, they’re again recounting the train robbery story to the little, what do you call it, a coven? A coven of nazis? Anyway, so they’re telling the story again and Jesse lets slip a little detail that Todd had previously neglected, that he murdered a kid. A white kid. This makes Uncle Jack unhappy. There is a power struggle. Uncle Jack does not prevail. He dies slowly.

Jesse and Todd become bookends to Leonel and Marco Salamanca. We will in fact see nearly too-obvious flourishes of this. No they will not convert to the cult of San La Muerte (though the two sharing a well-worn paperback copy of “Dianetics” is not out of the question). But they may adopt similar dress. They will certainly become more choreographed. They will develop a seemingly and creepily psychic communication. Like the Cousins, they are ruthless, calculating, sociopathic, scary.

Productivity skyrockets, but it is not possible to saturate the demand of the global conglomerate Madrigal Electromotive GmbH. Soon, the money makes the pile in the storage locker look like a postage stamp. The goons formerly known as Uncle Jack’s nazi punks are quickly conditioned to the new leadership.

And (unbeknownst to Jesse) Todd begins pursuing Lydia Rodarte-Quayle.

Life is good.

And Jesse starts insisting on being called “Heisenberg.” He buys a porkpie hat. No more beanies. He shaves his head again. He grows a vandyke.


That’s all I have so far. The open and way too much backstory. Crap. Now it gets difficult.

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